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Archive for March, 2025

Five with three Dad, part 2.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 31, 2025| Leave a Comment »

The worker sat alone by the fireplace, shadows from the flames crawling across the walls. The herbal tea in the worker’s hands had long since gone cold, but the worker barely noticed. The worker’s mind twisted in the knots of Casey’s story—five kids, three dads, and a smirk that lingered like the last embers of a dying fire. That smirk flashed behind the worker’s eyes every time the worker tried to blink it away, a permanent stain on memory.

The worker had said, with deliberate conviction, that Casey had every reason to follow through with the treatment. Actually, Casey has five reasons to go through with the treatment, and the worker repeated it—five living reasons. The worker said it like a prayer, offering the words to anyone who would listen—colleagues, supervisors, even the hollow walls of the shelter’s break room. But no matter how many times it was spoken, the truth gnawed at the worker.

God forbid if she doesn’t go through with it. God forbid.

The thought clung, venomous and unrelenting. It followed the worker home, slithering through the cracks in the worker’s resolve. The image of Casey walking away, leaving a seven-month-old infant adrift in a world without her mother’s touch, gnawed at the worker’s insides.

The weekend devoured the worker whole. Casey had infected the worker’s thoughts, a shadow that wouldn’t fade. Other intakes had come and gone—stories of sorrow, struggle, and lives precariously balanced on the edge. But none took root like this one. Casey’s story thrived in the recesses of the worker’s mind, feeding on guilt and multiplying with every passing hour.

The worker tried to distract with the television, but it offered no solace. Channels blinked by, parading an endless loop of canned laughter and manufactured joy. Commercials for children’s toys, scenes of glowing mothers cradling perfect babies—each frame like a serrated edge, digging deeper.

It seemed the universe was mocking the worker. Every pixel whispered the same question: Will she go? Will she save herself?

“The universe is testing my sanity,” the worker muttered to the empty room. The worker’s voice barely stirred the stillness. No response. Only the crackle of the fire and the drone of the television.

The worker tried to summon hope and recall the fleeting moments when Casey spoke of her children. There had been something there—a flicker beneath the smirk, a brief and trembling devotion. Casey knew a child was waiting. Somewhere, a seven-month-old reached for a mother who would never come. She knows it, the worker thought. She has to know it.

But the thought wouldn’t settle. The worker curled tighter beneath the blanket, fingers knotting as if the pressure would anchor the worker. Prayers stumbled from the worker’s lips—desperate, fractured pleas for Casey to make the right choice, for the treatment to pull her back from the edge.

By morning, the world had regained shape, but the gnawing tension remained. The office’s fluorescent lights hummed their dull song as the worker moved through the motions. Hands trembled as the worker sifted through the files, but it wasn’t long before it appeared—Casey’s name, bold and unyielding—a bruise on paper. A reminder.

And then—disbelief.

The screen told the worker everything. Casey had booked out. One day after registration. Walked away, just like that.

But it didn’t end there. The next line twisted in the worker’s gut like a serrated knife.

A query.

Casey wanted to come back.

The words throbbed on the screen. The network had closed its doors as quickly as Casey had tried to pry them open. No vacancy. No bed.

The worker stared, the sterile light burning the worker’s eyes. What had driven Casey to return? Was it regret? Desperation? Had the weight of her choices become unbearable? Or was it all part of the game—the next act in a long, twisted performance?

Five kids, three dads. The phrase echoed like a taunt, a dark mantra, an accusation, a warning.

And the infant. That seven-month-old, still waiting. Tiny hands grasping at emptiness.

The worker’s hands clenched, nails biting into the flesh of the worker’s palms. More intakes would come. More stories. More women like Casey, tethered to the jagged loops of addiction and regret. But none of them would be this. None would etch themselves into the worker like Casey had.

With shut eyes, the worker whispered, “It doesn’t help.”

The smirk remained.

God forbid.

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The Burden of Being the Eldest

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on March 28, 2025| Leave a Comment »

I am the eldest of ten children, born to a father who was 65 and a mother barely 18 or 20. A most remarkable arrangement, really — one that should inspire poets and playwrights alike. After all, what is a family without a bit of comedic tragedy? Among the first six of us, there was hardly a year separating one from the next. My parents must have fancied themselves industrious breeders, churning out offspring as if to meet a wartime quota.

Speaking of war, my childhood unfolded under the rather generous hospitality of the Russian occupation. People in small towns learned the art of the disappearing act, vanishing from one village to the next, always outrunning bombs, rockets, and the ever-diligent gaze of inspectors. We traveled by foot, a caravan of the unwanted. My mother, predictably cradling yet another newborn, moved forward with the stoic grace of a woman who had no choice. My aunt and grandmother, both sworn custodians of chaos, wrangled the younger ones. And I, the eldest, was the forgotten mule, bearing both the burden of existence and the curse of invisibility.

Hunger was a constant companion, but so was exhaustion, and between the two, they made a fine pair. If I grew tired, I kept it to myself. If I felt sick, I simply wasn’t. Pain was a luxury for those with fewer siblings and more attentive mothers. My most enduring memory is of a swollen fingernail, pulsating with infection. A tiny rebellion of flesh, daring to demand acknowledgment. It happened on one of our grand excursions for survival. The pain throbbed with each step, as if my finger were marching alongside me in protest. But in a world consumed by the shrill cries of babies and the panicked whispers of adults, my suffering was an inconvenient footnote.

When we finally reached a shelter that night, the pain had grown unbearable. A monstrous thing, red and angry, it mocked me in silence. Yet I dared not mention it. My mother, you see, had produced a son this time. Her first, a golden boy. And unlike the weary births of her daughters, this particular achievement rendered her something of a saint. She was swaddled in reverence, showered with praise, and shielded from all trivial concerns — like her daughter’s festering finger.

But despair has a curious sense of humor. Clutching my hand like a cursed relic, I found my way to my grandmother. A woman wise with age, wrinkled and weary, possessing all the sagacity one might expect from surviving a lifetime of absurdity. I presented my grotesque finger to her, hoping for a shred of mercy. She peered at it with a look of indifference, as though I had offered her a particularly unremarkable potato.

“Go press it to a red cow’s ass,” she declared, her voice as casual as if recommending a fine herbal remedy. Yes, a cow’s backside — nature’s cure-all. Forget the salves and poultices of the privileged; the crimson hindquarters of a farm animal were evidently the pinnacle of medical science in our parts.

I did not argue. I did not cry. Tears were a futile extravagance. I merely nodded, swallowed the bitter laughter that bubbled in my throat, and retreated to my corner. The lesson that night was clear, etched into the marrow of my bones. Pain was mine to bear. No declarations of agony, no cries for comfort. If my flesh rotted, it would do so quietly.

I learned then, with a clarity that defied my years, that I was my own caretaker. Because in a world of swollen bellies and scarred earth, what could be more absurd than the hope that someone might care?

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Aunt Ameno’s Fury

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on March 27, 2025| 1 Comment »

The sun hung high in the sky, relentless and unforgiving, baking the earth beneath its scorching midday glare. It cast sharp shadows across the yard, but Aunt Ameno didn’t notice them. Her mind was elsewhere, tangled in a storm of nerves and frustration.

Back in the kitchen, the heat was just as oppressive, the air thick and unmoving. Aunt Ameno’s hands shook as she picked up a cup to pour water, the liquid sloshing over the rim and pooling onto the counter. Her heart pounded loudly in her chest, each beat like a hammer striking stone.

She muttered under her breath, her words a jumble of frustration and dread. “Always me. Always Ameno. Running, fetching, fixing… as if I’m not a person, just a pair of hands to solve their messes.” Her voice wavered, quiet but sharp, as though she were arguing with herself—or perhaps with the unseen forces of fate that seemed determined to test her at every turn.

Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the edge of the counter, her gaze fixed on the cracked wall in front of her. The memory of her sister’s anguished cries echoed in her ears, a sound that rattled her nerves and churned her stomach. Six… it would be the sixth girl if nothing changes, she thought bitterly.

The weight of it all pressed on her, making her breath come in shallow, uneven gasps. She reached up to smooth the front of her scarf, a gesture meant to steady herself, but even her fingers betrayed her, trembling as if they had their own rebellion to stage.

She looked out the small kitchen window, her eyes narrowing at the sight of the unyielding sun. It seemed to mock her—its blazing heat a reminder of the harshness of life, its blinding light exposing everything she wished to hide.

“What difference does it make?” she muttered again, her voice breaking slightly. “Girl or boy, nothing changes. Nothing ever changes.”

She paused, her hands now gripping the rim of the water jug as if to keep herself grounded. Her heart ached—not just for her sister but for the unborn child and the life that awaited it, filled with expectations and disappointments it had no power to escape.

The door creaked open behind her, and she stiffened, swallowing hard to regain her composure. She wasn’t one to let others see her shaken, even if her heart was pounding like a drum and her thoughts were a maelstrom of anger and despair.

“Bring the water,” a voice called from the other room, breaking her moment of solitude.

Aunt Ameno exhaled sharply, grabbed the jug with trembling hands, and turned toward the door. “I’m coming!” she snapped, her voice laced with anger—but not at the person who called. No, her anger was at the world itself, a world that seemed determined to bend her but never entirely break her.

She squared her shoulders, set her jaw, and stepped back into the fray, her presence as commanding and unyielding as the sun overhead. God forbid anyone dared to venture too close to Auntie Ameno when she was in one of those moods. She was a volcano in human form—an emotional tempest wrapped in an apron, a lioness protecting her pride, only her pride wasn’t so much the cubs as the swirling frustration inside her chest. When she was upset, it wasn’t just a storm—it was the storm. The kind of storm that sent the girls scattering like roaches in the presence of light. They knew the signs. Her sharp breath, the tightness in her jaw, the low muttering that reverberated through the walls.

And the moment she promised herself—again—that if this child turned out to be another girl, she was packing up and heading straight back to her mother’s house, you could practically hear the collective sighs from the backyard as the girls ran for cover. “Back to my mother’s house I go,” she’d mutter, her words more like a curse than a promise, laced with years of unfulfilled hopes. “Enough is enough!” The mantra came out with the same force as a prayer of desperation, as if somehow this time—this very time—the universe would take pity and grant her the son she’d been dreaming of.

But Auntie Ameno’s words were more like vows to a deity she no longer believed in. The universe had long since abandoned her wishful thinking.

Her sister’s five daughters knew better than to stick around when Auntie Ameno was in one of her moods. They had mastered the fine art of emotional survival. The second they heard that growl, the second the room grew too heavy with the tension of a thousand unspoken complaints, they bolted. They didn’t care about playing in the garden; they cared about surviving the garden. The backyard, with its peace and flowers, was as far from the lioness as they could get. It wasn’t about being good little girls; it was about self-preservation.

Because Auntie Ameno wasn’t just angry—she was volcanic. And her fists? Well, her fists were the lightning that followed the thunder. Back and chest, she’d strike with no hesitation, and the girls knew better than to make eye contact when that storm broke. It wasn’t just physical pain they feared—it was the sheer absurdity of it. The sense that they hadn’t done anything to deserve this anger, yet here they were, running for their lives like it was some sort of bizarre, painful game.

But Auntie Ameno wasn’t blind to their tactics. She knew the second they fled, the second they all retreated to their makeshift sanctuary in the garden. And yet, despite the rage seething inside her, there was an odd, deep sense of loneliness. After all, wasn’t she the one who was supposed to be helping them? She, the woman who’d raised them alongside her own suffering, now was reduced to the source of their terror.

And then there was Baba—the father of the girls, the husband of Auntie Ameno’s sister, who lived in his own little world of “patience.” Baba had mastered the art of watching Auntie Ameno go off, giving her enough space to rage but never intervening, until the moment came when his quiet endurance cracked. He was the silent authority in this family drama, the only one who could restore any kind of order. When his patience finally wore thin, Baba would come out of his room—slowly, carefully, like a man walking through a minefield—and give Auntie Ameno that look. The look that said, “Enough.”

That was the signal. No more screaming, no more fists. The storm would quiet, at least for a while. And Auntie Ameno, for all her promises of departure, would retreat, her rage still simmering beneath the surface, but for the moment, contained. Her sister, exhausted and silent in the background, would take a deep breath, already mentally preparing herself for the cycle to begin again.

As for the girls? They’d creep back into the house slowly, their bruises well hidden under layers of summer clothes, their minds already bracing for the next storm. They were experts in the art of emotional camouflage, the art of surviving Aunt Ameno’s moods. And all the while, Aunt Ameno would sit, muttering to herself in the quiet, still holding onto those promises. Maybe next time, she thought. Maybe next time…To be continued

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Five with Three Dads

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on March 25, 2025| Leave a Comment »

Chapter One: The Intake

The phone rang at the emergency shelter just after 3 p.m., its shrill tone slicing through the quiet hum of the office. The worker picked up, the motion familiar, almost automatic by now. On the other end, a woman’s voice, soft and unsure, broke the silence.

“Hello… do you have space for me?”

The worker straightened in her chair. “What’s your name?” she asked, pen hovering over the intake form.

“Casey.”

“And your last name?”

“Davidson.”

There was a pause — not from hesitation, but something else. A pause that didn’t ask for permission, didn’t explain anything, didn’t feel the need to. It was the kind of pause that felt like a habit.

The questions continued, a routine dance of necessity — date of birth, reason for seeking shelter, any known restrictions. Unlike many calls, Casey answered each question without resistance, without emotion. As though she was reciting a script that had been written a long time ago and rehearsed silently in the spaces between exhaustion and surrender.

The worker ran her name through the system. No red flags. Clean. She gave Casey the usual instruction: there was one bed available. If she could make it within two hours, the space would be held. Shelter policy.

“I’ll be there in half an hour,” Casey replied quickly — too quickly. No questions, no hesitation. Just that same unnerving ease, like she’d done this before.

The worker added, almost as an afterthought, “Please don’t bring more than two medium-sized suitcases. We don’t have much storage space.”

Thirty-five minutes later, Casey arrived. A single suitcase in one hand, and in the other — oddly — a few worn baby toys. Their colors faded, the plastic edges dulled with time and touch. She clutched them with a strange casualness, like someone holding onto something they no longer recognized but couldn’t quite release.

She was small, thin, with eyes that darted around but never settled. Her face, pale and stripped of expression, seemed to carry both youth and weariness. She looked too young to be this tired.

The intake began. Forms were passed across the desk. Casey signed each one without reading them, without blinking. Her hand moved mechanically, as though her body remembered what to do even when her mind was somewhere else entirely.

The worker asked, gently, “Do you have any children?”

Casey didn’t flinch. She didn’t smile either. “Yeah,” she said plainly. “Five.”

The worker’s pen stopped. “Five?” she repeated, her voice betraying a hint of disbelief.

“Yeah,” Casey confirmed. “Ten, seven, five, two… and the baby’s six months.”

There was no pride in her voice. No sorrow either. Just… emptiness.

The worker hesitated, unsure how far to go. She had learned, over time, to read silences — when to step in, when to hold back. She asked, cautiously, “Do you see them?”

Casey smiled. Not a warm smile — not a sad one either. It was more of a reflex, a twitch of the lips that didn’t reach her eyes. “Not since December.”

That was four months ago.

The worker tried to keep her tone neutral. “Why not?”

“Alcohol,” Casey said simply.

No explanation. No shame. Just a single word, delivered like a line she’d said too many times to feel it anymore.

“And… how are you coping?” the worker asked.

“Got diagnosed,” Casey replied. “Back in December.”

The word hung in the air. Diagnosed with what? She didn’t say. She didn’t have to. The worker could piece it together — bits of mental fog, addiction, isolation.

“Who’s taking care of the kids?”

Casey’s expression shifted, just slightly. “They’ve got three different dads,” she said with a laugh, the kind that came from a place far from joy. “So it’s not that hard. They’re with them.”

The worker said nothing. She didn’t want to push. Casey looked fragile — not in the way of someone who might shatter, but more like someone already broken into too many pieces to notice another crack.

Casey noticed the pause. She tilted her head, almost amused by the silence.

“I signed up for a recovery program,” she offered, like it was a casual update, not a turning point. “Drug and alcohol. It’s about three hours from here.”

That, at least, stirred something in the worker — a flicker of hope. “That’s good,” she said warmly. “That’s really good. You have five reasons to finish that program.”

Casey nodded, though her eyes remained distant. Like she was watching a version of herself from far away, someone else’s life playing out on a stage she didn’t belong to anymore.

The worker hesitated, then asked, “Do you have a sponsor?”

Casey shrugged. “Not yet.”

The worker didn’t know much about sponsors, only that those who had them often had a better shot. But she wasn’t sure if Casey believed in “shots” anymore.

Still, she smiled, steady and kind. “Maybe you’ll find one. Someone who can walk with you through it.”

Casey didn’t answer. Her silence wasn’t resistance — it was deeper than that. A kind of numbness that wrapped around her like armor, keeping the world out, keeping herself in.

The intake ended. The forms were filed. Casey was shown to her room — a small, quiet space with a single bed and a worn blanket.

And the baby toys? She set them on the shelf, carefully, without looking at them again.
To be continued…

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